I’ve never had a significant other. And I keep saying I’m not looking for one.

But movies that exemplify a loving relationship or unrequited love always makes me cry. Especially those that shows self-less sacrifice on the one loving.  Wracking sobs.

Am I being hypocritical?

Is the only thing I really want just a loving relationship with someone & I just deny it or project aloofness about it because it escapes me? Am I being unrealistic or too romantic? Am I just such a loser about it but to maintain my sense of superiority I just keep telling myself it’s the choice I made?

Could be.

Could also be my silent rage all these years: “Why do I have to be a certain way in order to deserve being loved?”

Why do I have to keep bending over backwards & fighting my nature just to warrant attention & affection? Why is it even when I bend over backwards, it’s not a guarantee? Why do I always place myself at the mercy of someone else to be validated? Why do I KNOW all this, but still can’t stop myself from hoping?

Why do I keep hoping?

How do I tell that part of my self that still hopes to quit it. That all I had were delusions & it’s time to face the reality that all I am is a loser.

=======================

And why is accepting I’m a loser such a relief?

I have been going into counseling for about a year now. I started going to it because I feel like I’m turning 40 and I feel like I have not accomplished anything with my life. I went because I wanted to stop procrastinating once & for all.

If only it was as simple as that. Procrastination was a symptom, not the problem.

In time, I realized that the constant invalidation, mockery & undermining I experienced in the hands of my family has created some deep seated trauma in my psyche & I am only beginning to unravel it.

I need to be clear: They are not monsters. I don’t have any gory traumatic details. It was just an unfortunate combination of personalities.

I’m very intelligent & very sensitive. Not a genius but intelligent enough to be aware of a lot of nuisances. I’m strong & brusque. Not the typical damsel-in-distress sensitive type. But I am sensitive: I am keenly aware of others emotions & thoughts. But in a lot of ways, I am also clueless and naive.

My parents are very kind & good individuals but VERY insecure.

For most of my life, I allowed myself to be their psychic punching bag, allowing them to project evils upon me so they can feel morally superior & feel good about themselves. Unfortunately for them, I’m not the quiet type to just keep taking it. There have been a lot of kicking & screaming. I guess that traumatized them too. My siblings would not or could not come to my defense. Why would they? It seems I can take it. Also, it’s safer to stay out of the blast radius.

It is what it is.

I have managed to relatively thrive despite it. Really helped that at the core, my family are loving people. It’s just that they have issues they can’t confront because they are not conscious of it, will not be conscious about it.

And here I am dealing with the damage.

My therapist likened my situation to a trauma victim: We tend to be harsher on ourselves. We try to create a perfect framework to work from. We tend to do the abuse we suffered to ourselves.

It’s not easy dealing with it. It takes a lot of effort to catch my critical thoughts that undermine me.

Now I’m being kinder to myself, there are times I actually feel ill at ease. I was so used to the pressure & the punishment, the lack of it is making me feel afloat. I am moving out of my comfort zone, but once in a while, I still go back to it just to feel grounded.

I can just remain in my room for most of my life. It’s comfortable here & safe. I have already disabused myself of any delusions of grandeur that I can be fabulously rich & be a great person. At this point, I am slowly beginning to accept that I am a loser: not rich, no family, never amounted to anything.

I know it’s negative talk, but hoping for something more just hurts. I can never keep it up anyway. I always fall back to procrastination.

My self esteem has taken such a beating that I just want to keep lying down, not have any ambition to accomplish anything anymore because any attempt to do so just ends up being a wasted opportunity because of my tendency to procrastinate.

My self-esteem.

I know I need to accomplish things daily to bolster my self-esteem.

I know I also have to be on guard on anything that threatens it–especially my negative thoughts.

I started this blog to aid my journey. As much as I just want to give up, there’s still a bit of fire in me that eternally hopes for me.

Right now, I don’t know if I can ever be what I ambitioned to be when I was younger or if I can every be more the loser I am now. But I have to try again. Even if this is the thousandth time I’m trying.