I’ve never had a significant other. And I keep saying I’m not looking for one.

But movies that exemplify a loving relationship or unrequited love always makes me cry. Especially those that shows self-less sacrifice on the one loving.  Wracking sobs.

Am I being hypocritical?

Is the only thing I really want just a loving relationship with someone & I just deny it or project aloofness about it because it escapes me? Am I being unrealistic or too romantic? Am I just such a loser about it but to maintain my sense of superiority I just keep telling myself it’s the choice I made?

Could be.

Could also be my silent rage all these years: “Why do I have to be a certain way in order to deserve being loved?”

Why do I have to keep bending over backwards & fighting my nature just to warrant attention & affection? Why is it even when I bend over backwards, it’s not a guarantee? Why do I always place myself at the mercy of someone else to be validated? Why do I KNOW all this, but still can’t stop myself from hoping?

Why do I keep hoping?

How do I tell that part of my self that still hopes to quit it. That all I had were delusions & it’s time to face the reality that all I am is a loser.

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And why is accepting I’m a loser such a relief?